A Magnificent Horn
by jenahid
Summary: Hermione gives Ron a lesson in Muggle style courting.


A/N: This was written for RomioneSmut's FuckFest2015 on Tumblr. I failed to include the required fucking, though! I like the original version, though, so here it is.

"This isn't going to work, Hermione, I'm too tall. Look, my head touches the ceiling, and my legs are everywhere. Let's just go back to the Burrow or your parents' house. There are private but more roomy places than this."

"No, this will work. We have a lot of catching up to normal couples, so let's give this a fair try. Imperturb the windows, though, I don't trust that no one will wander by. I'll move the front seats up as far as they'll go, then we'll have a bit more space."

"Wouldn't you rather just be out by the pond? Or up in your room? Your parents don't seem to mind when I'm there."

"Here, bend your knees and scoot your bottom to about here. Lean back with one shoulder against the window there, put this knee up against the seat back, then let that leg go towards the passenger seat, and I'll nestle into your lap, sort of, just here, and pull your arms around me."

"Well, this is very nice, but I was kind of hoping for a bit of, you know, face to face contact, you know? Although I can get a hand up your jumper nicely at this angle!"

"I have a lesson in mind for you, and this position is best, I think. Go ahead and fondle away while I finish getting ready... oh, sorry to put weight on your foot there."

"Hermione. Those are your knickers. On the floor. I thought there was a no touching your knickers rule."

"Yes, well, you didn't touch them, did you? I think once you pass this lesson, we'll lift that rule. Now, give me your right hand, now that it's all warm."

"Bloody hell, Hermione..."

"Language, Ronald. Now, I assume you have a basic understanding of anatomy, but since every body is different, I'm going to show you how mine works. Move your fingers only when I do."

"Shite!"

"Language! Lubrication is important, so if there isn't enough naturally produced, don't start manual stimulation without applying lubrication first. Your fingers are a lot longer than mine... this is different than I expected. Well, let's, oh my, yes, there's plenty of lubrication. OK! Um, I don't know what your other... experiences have been like, and don't tell me, but let's proceed as though you've never done this before."

"I ha-"

"Shush. Now, you may have... read... that women require clitoral stimulation. Now, I've done a little experimenting in preparation for this lesson, and-"

"Yeah, me, too."

"Pay attention! I've found that instead of direct stimulation, I prefer to manipulate the clitoral hood-"

"There's a hood?"

"It corresponds to the foreskin. It's right here, go like this, for the most part, small circles. A little less firm... yes, just there..."

"Pffft! Can you, um, swipe your hair over your shoulder?"

"Sor... sorry... oh, yes, that's it, Ron, that's just right, just there, nonono! Don't speed up! Yes, yeah, like that... Ron... RON!"

"Wow. So that's, that's how you, oh bloody hell, I'd never thought about you... so, erm, did I pass the lesson?"

"Wha? Oh, um, yes, I suppose so. Give me a moment to catch my breath, there's more."

"More? Hermione, I'm as keen as the next bloke, and that was absolutely brilliant, but this is not a place I want to shag you."

"No, no, not that. OK, you stay where you are, I'm going to just get turned around here... scoot your foot over if you can. I want to put my feet here. Let's see... I hadn't worked out all of the logistics as well as I'd thought. Well, I think this will work."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA!"

"Now that you've got your bum up off the seat anyway, can we work your trousers maybe just down a bit? I think we don't want to try to wrestle them all the way off because of space restrictions, and part of the fun of being in the backseat is the challenge, so let's just open the front and... oh. Oh wow. That's... not what the book looked like. No, no, no, it's, um, lovely. It's just much more... real. Less clinical. And more... yours."

"That much I'm sure of, but I'm not real clear where you're going, Hermione. You're too close to be able to, um, reciprocate, if that's what you're thinking of. Back up a bit."

"No, my research indicated that you'd quite mastered that skill, and that it would be easy for me to pick up. This is what I had planned. Constructive criticism welcome."

"HOLY SHITE HERMIONE! Oh, Merlin. Hermione. That's... oh. Oh wow. Careful about the teeth! Oooooh brilliant."

"Ron. Ron. Look at me."

"Huh?"

"I'm a unicorn."

"Careful of your mane, there, unicorrrrrrrrnnnnnn. OH! Those are my bollocks. I did not know about licking a bloke's bollocks, but you do. Ooohhhh, that's, that's quite nice."

"So far, so good, then?"

"Yup. EVEN BETTER WITH THE HANDS AND THE MOUTH AND HERMIONE STOP, STOP, STOP! Oh, love, don't..."

"That's a strong flavor. I kind of like it, though."

"You don't have to swallow it, you know. That's what I was trying to warn you for."

"I wanted the full experience, as it were. That was good, then? What could I do better?"

"That was perfect. Unexpected and perfect. All the times I imagined my cock near your face, though, holding it to your forehead and declaring yourself a unicorn was never part of the fantasy."

"Well, I wanted to make it special."


End file.
